Thanks to my oldest brother, I've had an obession with Into the Wild, and at the beginning of September, I finally bought it and read it. The story is so captivating, and I highly recommend you read it. It definitely changed my life, and the way I look at things. Perspective has always been something that intrigued me, as well as everyone's individual stories and their time on the Earth. What is our purpose? What are we all doing here? What should I make of my life? What will make it worth while?
These questions, along with countless more are always swimming around up there, and somedays I think I might have some answers. A gust of metaphorical wind will engulf me and give me some moments of clarity. Our purpose is so individually unique, that I can't say for sure. I'm not sure what mine is yet, but I know that happiness and helping is part of it. I know that I have an adventurer's soul, and that adventure begins with taking a risk. A risk that will change the course of my existence, and maybe even the course of someone else's. Your true adventure lies in the hands of your decisions, and your ability to trust. Trust that sometimes you will only find answers when you experience something. Let it affect you. Let it become a part of you. I am talking about me here, but I am talking about you.
"You need to surrender to some such ultimate purpose, more fully, more unreservedly than you had ever done in the old, familiar, peaceful days." - Dr. Zhivago. "NEED FOR PURPOSE" was scrawled near this passage, by Chris McCandless, while on the bus up in Alaska. Even for an individual as free and as sure as Chris, he still struggled with finding his purpose. He was human, as we all are, and it is normal. It is okay to be scared, and unsure. It is okay to be confused, to be lost, and to be wanted by some part of the Universe. We all do, that is a truth of the human soul. This is something that I have struggled to accept as a part of life, but when I finally realized it was okay, then I became a little more at peace.
Chris finally realized some simple things about his truth, and with "And so it turned out that a life similar to the life of those around us, merginig with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness" - Boris Pasternak, Chris concluded happiness is only real when shared; he was right. He died knowing that truth, and while he layed at the back of the bus inhaling his last breath, he was at peace.
The fact that him and I share some uncanny resemblances is a thought that excites me, but that's an entirely seperate blog post all together.
Recently, I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I also highly recommend that you watch it. Mostly, I bawled the entire length of the film. It struck of lot of related cords. Charlie and I had a similar grade nine experience. We both were scared, wanting so badly to be noticed, wanting so badly to have real, true friends. For most of the year, I was stuck in a gray haze, but I jumped out of that and haven't gone back in since. I used to beat myself up about how much I wanted to be in the "popular" crowd, and how much I tried to mimic my idea of their lives. It took me a long while before I realized they weren't really my friends, and that it was foolish of me to be someone I'm not. I stopped beating myself up, and also realized that I needed to experience all of that heart break, over and over to be the me I am today. It was all part of my story, and no one, not even myself is in a place to judge that.
I am, and forever will be a wallflower. I used to be ashamed of that, but I've since embraced my wallflower status. I observe a lot, and have a million and one entirely seperate thoughts running around in my head. I should probably talk more, but then again, maybe I shouldn't. I don't think people could handle all the things. I listen, and feel, and hear things that others miss, and with that I usually feel connected to everyone around me. They become a part of my story, as I do to theirs. Ah. The perks of being a wallflower; there it is.
"I am both happy and sad, and am still trying to figure out how that could be." Sometimes I get sad, but mostly I am happy, and I think that's the way it should be.
Some may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I dream a lot. Sometimes I feel a little disheartened about the lack of action I can take on these dreams I have, but fear you not, the universe has done it for me this time. I can't remember how old I was, but I remember writing down what I wanted to be when I grew up and it read:
1. Be in the WNBA
2. Be on the World Team
Now, the WNBA might be confusing to some, but I really loved basketball, and it wasn't until I brought Mach home that I quit basketball. And now look where we are. No, it's not the "world team", but being a part of Team Canada that is going to Belgium to compete in agility is good enough for me. The universe made it so.
It is so strange. Just a week before I got the news, I was looking at Mach and got this gut feeling that something great was about to happen. I have no idea why I felt that way, or what I thought was going to happen, but I just felt like something extraordinary was about to. And then a week later, there it was. Sometimes I think my trust in the universe is silly, but I can't argue with this one. It is real, and it is magical.
I cannot begin to express how excited and proud and thankful and amazed I am about this adventure I am about to have. Mostly, I have to thank my mom. She is the best. I should probably tell her that more often. I love you!
I am so happy, and that is my truth.